


Come As You Are (You're All I Need)

by itsthedetails



Category: CW Network RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-31
Updated: 2009-07-31
Packaged: 2017-11-21 22:52:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/602967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsthedetails/pseuds/itsthedetails
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared and Jensen have been best friends practically their whole lives. They've been through good and bad and now they've fallen for each other. Jared thinks everything is perfect, especially since he's off to join Jensen at college. Things fall apart though when Jensen's brother catches them together and Jensen disappears. When he returns a year later Jared is still angry, but discovers he misses his friend. Can Jensen fix things between them and win Jared back?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

[ ](http://s131.photobucket.com/albums/p288/Sinoftheday/Headers/?action=view&current=BigBang09-Poster.jpg)

Jared was seventeen the first time he kissed Jensen Ackles. It should have been weird. He’d known Jensen practically his entire life and they’ve been friends almost as long, but it wasn’t weird or strange at all—not even a little bit. The moment his lips touched Jensen’s he knew there would be no one else for him. He’d found the man he was going to spend the rest of his life with, it was just too bad Jensen didn’t feel the same way.

***

Jared was six years old the first time he laid eyes on Jensen. Jared and his family had just moved onto Redrock Lane, into a big house with enough bedrooms that he and Jeff didn’t have to share anymore and a pool in the backyard. He’d been sent out into the yard to play and keep out from under foot while his parents unpacked their boxes, when he saw a boy about Jeff’s age throwing a tennis ball to a small cocker spaniel.

Really, it was the dog that caught his eye at first; now that they had more space, Jared’s dad had promised they could look into getting a puppy.

He watched the boy toss the ball across his yard and the dog bound across the grass, ears flopping around his head and barking loudly. Finally, the boy noticed Jared sitting on his own lawn watching them. He whistled to the dog and they trotted in step across the yard between their houses to where Jared sat.

“Hi. You the new family moving in?”

Jared nodded. For the first time in his life, he was nervous to meet a stranger, but when the dog jumped into his lap and licked his face, any bit of shyness instantly disappeared. He giggled, petting the dog, and then stood. “I’m Jared, nice to meet you.” He stuck out his hand out like his momma taught him and shook the boy’s hand. “What’s your name?”

“Jensen, my name’s Jensen.” The dog ran back and forth between where Jared and Jensen stood, barking and jumping, trying to knock the ball from Jensen’s hand. “Wanna play?”

***

Even though Jensen was four years older than Jared, they played together all the time. The kids on this block were always playing a game of street hockey or dodge ball after school and Jensen always asked Jared to join, even when Jeff was being a jerk and told Jared he wasn’t old enough to play with the big kids.

When Jared was eight, he and Jensen wound up on the same little league team and it sealed their friendship for life. Jared really shouldn’t have been on Jensen's team, he was just outside the cut off of the age range for the team, but his momma talked to the little league commissioner and about both her sons playing on the same team so she didn’t have to run between two different sets of practices and games.

Jeff pouted for a week and wouldn’t speak to Jared at any of the practices. He would hang out with his friends and laugh when Jared struck out at bat, but Jensen—Jensen never laughed when Jared missed the ball. After school, on the days he didn’t have to go with his mom to pick up Mackenzie, his younger sister, from ballet, he would practice with Jared in his backyard where Jeff couldn’t see and make fun.

By the end of the season Jared was better at baseball than Jeff ever was and he and Jensen had become inseparable.

***

As they grew up, at times it had been difficult to spend as much time together as they wanted to, especially when Jensen moved up into high school. Sometimes Jared felt as if he was being left behind, but Jensen always found a way to keep their friendship solid.

Even when Jensen went off to college and Jared felt like he was being left behind yet again, Jensen never let their friendship get lost in the shuffle. Now that Jared was coming to the end of his own high school career, and would be off at UT Austin with Jensen next year, it seemed like they’d finally be on equal footing again. More than anything he was looking forward to going off to college and seeing Jensen everyday.

***

Jensen came home for the summer after his finals finished in early May. Jared still had just over a month before graduation, but he had worked hard all year and coming into his last weeks before the end of high school he thought he was entitled to a little slacking.

Jensen had gotten a summer job at the community pool as a lifeguard. It was a great job; the pay was good, the hours decent and he got to spend his days outdoors. Even with his job, he still spent as much free time as he could with Jared—even if it was just playing video games in his basement.

"I'm totally going to kick your ass. What did you even learn away at school anyway? I can't believe how much you suck at this game!"

Jensen grabbed the controller. "Well _some people_ spend their time studying instead of playing video games all the time."

He snorted in amusement and rolled his eyes. "Dude, I've seen college movies; it's all about parties, beer and babes."

Shaking his head, Jensen stabbed at the buttons on his controller. "You're going to fail out your first semester, aren't you? College has these things called classes—you have to go to them, do homework, study for tests."

"Classes, shmasses, I know my mother's paying you to tell me that."

"Do you really want to bring your mom into this, Jare? 'Cause I can guarantee if she hears you talkin' about parties and beer, you'll be living at home next year and going to San Antonio Community College."

"Whatever. It's not like I suck at school." Jared paused the video game, looking slightly nervous. "Seriously—I'm gonna be okay, right? You'll show me around and make sure I don't screw up my first week there."

There was a moment of awkward silence, the pinging sounds from the video game repeating in the background. Jensen bit his lip and then burst out laughing. "You, my friend, are a giant girl." Once Jared cracked a grin though, he lightly touched Jared's forearm. "You'll be fine, regardless, but you know I'll always look out for you, Jay."

***

They hardly saw each other over the next week. Jensen was on the schedule at the pool everyday and Jared was busy studying for his upcoming finals. When the weekend finally came around, Jared showed up on Jensen's porch Friday night, his hair falling sloppily in his eyes and a sheepish grin on his face. "Save me! I can't learn anything else, my brain is too full!"

Standing in the door, Jensen was only wearing worn jeans, his hair and bare chest damp from a recent shower. "Huh, I thought this day would come much sooner. Always knew there wasn't much space up there under that big ol' mop of hair."

"Hey, there's nothing wrong with my hair." He ran his fingers through his messy bangs and stuck his tongue out like he was still twelve. "So what are we doing tonight? I can't look at another textbook, my brain is rebelling."

Jensen let him into the house and they both automatically headed to his bedroom. Jensen's room was dark even with the lamp throwing soft yellow light throughout the room. The heavy curtains Jensen hung to keep out the bright morning sun were still pulled tightly shut. Flopping onto Jensen's bed, he noticed that Jensen was looking rather uncomfortable. "Uh, do you have other plans? I just assumed we'd hangout tonight."

"No, no, we can totally hang out. I did make plans though. My buddies from college, Chris and Steve, I told you about them, are playing at this dive bar about an hour away. You wanna go?"

He practically bounced off the bed struggling to quickly sit up. "Of course I want to go. Not only do I get to go to a bar, but I get to meet Chris and Steve! You've only been talking about them for three years."

Digging in his dresser, Jensen pulled out a dark blue t-shirt. Even muffled by the shirt he tugged over his head, Jared didn't miss his sarcasm. "Great, I can tell already this is gonna be a long night."

Jensen might just have been joking, but Jared had known Jensen a long time—and he could hear an underlying tinge of apprehension. For a moment he wondered if Jensen was nervous about introducing a high school kid to his college friends, but he shook the thought from his head. Lying back on the bed, while Jensen finished getting ready, he figured Jensen was just looking forward to tonight.

***

Despite what primetime teen dramas say, even though Jared was about to graduate high school, he had never been in a real bar before. Though he had nothing to compare it to, he was pretty sure this was the greatest place ever. There was sawdust on the floor, a pool table in the back and people crowded throughout the bar.

Jensen wouldn't let Jared go up to the bar with him. He waited at a table near the small stage, looking at all the equipment and wondering which guys were Jensen's friends. Returning with two beers, Jensen set one down in front of Jared. "I don't see Chris and Steve; they must be out back somewhere getting ready."

Before Jensen could continue, he was bombarded from both sides by two guys grabbing him up into a huge bear hug. "Jenny! You made it!"

Laughing, Jensen hugged back, knocking askew the straw cowboy hat sitting atop the shorter guy's head. He watched, amused by the way these two guys teased Jensen. Finally, Jensen worked his way free from their jostling long enough to introduce Jared. "Guys, guys, stop I want you to meet Jared. Jared—Chris and Steve. Guys—Jared."

He stood to shake their hands and Chris—the guy with the hat—spoke. "Good to finally meet ya, man. Jenny talks about you all the time, but we were starting to think you might be his imaginary friend or something."

Chuckling, Jared shook his offered hand. "Nope, I'm real as you, besides Jen's imaginary friend's name was Alejandro. He was a harmonica-playing horse wrangler."

Exaggeratedly, Jensen slapped a palm to his pink-blushed face. "Jared!"

Both Chris and Steve were turning an impossible shade of crimson as they fell over laughing hysterically. "Alejandro - harmonica - horse wrangler."

Eventually, Steve was able to breathe again, though Chris still burst into random bouts of laughter now and then. "Now I know why Jensen never brought you around before, you know all his embarrassing childhood stories. After the show we have to sit down and have a nice long chat."

The four of them sat at the table at first talking about tonight's show, but eventually the conversation turned to what they all got up to at UT. Although Jensen laughed at all of Chris and Steve's stories, whenever Jared asked questions a slight look of panic would fly across his face and he'd stiffen up like he was afraid of whatever Chris or Steve would say.

By the time they'd finished their first round and Chris and Steve had to get ready to get up on stage; Jared was sure there was a problem. When they headed for the side of the stage and he and Jensen were left alone, Jared couldn't help but ask, "Is there something wrong? You barely let those guys talk to me and you freeze up like you're about to go in front of the firing squad whenever they talked about you. If you didn't want me to come tonight, you could have just said something."

"No! I wanted you to come tonight, it's just—" His thought drifted, and he seemed to be searching for the best explanation. "Chris can be a lot crasser then you're used to. I didn't want you to think he was an ass."

Jen looked sincere enough, but it was such a flimsy explanation. "Jen, I grew up in the same house with Jeff. If you think crass is gonna offend me, who have you been friends with the last eleven years?"

Jensen blushed deeper; and Jared couldn't help but notice the rosy flush that now spread from his cheeks down under his collar.

"I guess, I was just nervous. I wanted you guys to like each other."

It seemed silly to Jared, of course they would like each other—they all were friends with Jen so they had to have some things in common. Reading Jensen's expression; he could tell there was some other reason, but he let it slide because the music was starting.

***

After the second set, Chris and Steve joined them again at the table. Jensen was much more relaxed, especially after all the beer he'd drank throughout the evening. He even calmed enough to let Jared really talk to Chris and Steve. They had plenty of stories to tell—mostly at Jensen's expense—but it continued to nudge at the back of Jared's mind why Jensen was so cautious about his friends telling stories about him.

They started to help break down the equipment, but around one o'clock, Jensen flipped Jared his keys and said they had to get going. Slapping Jared on the back, he kidded "We've got to make it home before Jared's momma realizes her baby is out past his curfew." He threw his arm over Jared's shoulders and slapped a hand on his chest. "Right, jailbait?" Jared chuckled at Jensen's bad joke, mostly laughing at Jensen's drunken state. Jen and Steve had done shots at the bar and Jensen and hard liquor are _not_ friends. Tequila made Jensen a little sloppy and a lot handsy.

Jensen hugged Chris, slapped him on the back and hugged him again. Smirking, Jared walked a few steps ahead, stopping when Jensen started his hugging ritual with Steve. Steve leaned in to hug Jensen, but instead of letting Jensen go he whispered to him. "I saw Tom after you left to go home. He was looking for you—seemed pretty upset that you'd left without saying goodbye. Maybe you should call him."

Flipping the keys around his finger, he was surprised to notice how flustered Jensen became. His eyes were downcast and there was a flush on his cheeks that wasn’t from the warm night air or the beer he'd had. His words were hushed and hurried. "I told him it was just one night, that I wasn't looking for anything more."

Jared strained his ears and tried to hear what Steve said in return; his graveled voice was too muffled though. Through Jensen's loose drunken stance though he could see a ribbon of tension stiffen his spine. "Come on, Jen, you may have been kidding about my momma realizing I'm out past curfew, but if we don't get home soon she'll not only ground me, but she'll ground you too."

Jensen looked up from his huddled whispering with wide deer-in-headlight eyes, like he forgot Jared was standing right there. "Comin'." He said something else to Steve and hugged him again quickly then hurried over to the truck.

Almost immediately Jensen fell asleep with his face pressed against the glass of the passenger window, leaving Jared wondering what he and Steve were talking about the entire ride back.

***

Jared knocked on the sliding glass door that led into the Ackles' kitchen the next morning. Jensen's mom was at the stove flipping pancakes and cooking bacon. She waved at him to come in.

"Mornin' Mrs. Ackles. That smells good."

Sliding a few pancakes onto a plate with some bacon, she pushed the plate toward him. "You might as well eat them, since I heard Jensen moaning and groaning in his bathroom about an hour ago and he hasn't surfaced since. What did you boys get up to last night anyway?"

Jared smiled innocently around his mouthful of warm, fluffy pancakes. "Not me, Mrs. Ackles. I'm not even eighteen yet, let alone twenty-one, but Jensen and his friends from school might have had a few drinks."

She clucked her tongue and shook her head, but couldn't keep a small smile from turning up her lips. "Well, go up there and wake my lush of a son up. He's got a shift at the pool at noon and the way he sounded this morning he'll need to start waking himself up now in order to get there on time.

Shoving the last forkful of pancake into his mouth, his answer was muffled. "Sure thing." He grabbed the last slice of bacon and bounded toward the stairs.

***

Not bothering to knock, he barreled into Jensen's bedroom. With his heavy curtains drawn it was dark as night. Jared didn't try to keep quiet, but stumbled around until found the edge of Jensen's bed and the corner of his comforter. He yanked as hard as he could, pulling the comforter from the bed and tossing it to the floor.

Jensen yelped and flailed, grabbing at air for his blanket. Laughing at him, Jared turned on the light on the bedside table and announced as loudly as possible. "Rise and shine! Time to get your drunk-ass out of bed."

Burying his face in his pillow to block out the light, Jensen flipped him off.

He tried to grab at Jensen's pillow, but Jensen had an iron-tight grip on it. Letting go of the pillow and with glee in his voice Jared circled his hands around Jensen's ankle and started to pull. "Come on now, you've got work at noon. Your mom told me to get you out of bed."

Flailing again Jensen let go of his pillow and groped at his mattress trying to gain some purchase, but Jared yanked him straight off the bed. Jensen tumbled to the floor with a hard thump.

"What the fuck, Jared! That goddamn hurt."

He had to laugh at the pout on Jensen's face as he rubbed at his backside. Jensen was not a morning person on a good day, and when he was hungover it was like poking a bear with a very sharp pokey-thing. Jared liked to poke the bear.

He innocently looked down at Jensen. "Your mom told me to do whatever it took to get you out of bed. I was just making the process go faster."

Jensen glared up at him. "You're a dick." He slowly got up from the floor, fingers still rubbing the sore spot where his ass hit the floor and grumbled. "See if I hang out with you anymore."

Grinning, he slapped Jensen on the shoulder as he headed toward his bathroom. "Whatever, you know you love me."

***

Later that afternoon, on his way to the pool, Jared made a pit stop at the local deli to grab lunch. Feeling mercy for Jensen spending the last few hours working in the hot Texas sun, Jared picked him up a sandwich too. On his way out he bumped into Scott, a friend from his Economics class.

Scott was one of those guys you called a friend because you saw him everyday, but you didn't really know much about. The thing was, despite not really knowing Scott, he'd been dreaming about him for months. It started out harmless enough, a flash of his smile or a brief glance of his startling blue eyes, but then it became more than just dreams.

He started to notice the way his t-shirts pulled tight across his chest, the way his jeans hung on his hips and it was the way the tanned skin of his forearms flexed when he scribbled notes on a sheet of loose leaf paper.

He tried to ignore it; tried to pretend he wasn't freaked to all hell that he was thinking about Scott's arms, his body, his lips at night when he was alone in bed—a hitched sob catching on his lips when he came. It freaked him out so much that he couldn't even talk to Jensen about it.

It could have been a phase—but after seeing him in his tight gray shirt and cargo shorts standing in front of the refrigerator case, Jared was sure this wasn't just a passing phase.

The walk to the pool went by in a blur—not because he was panicking over his realization, but because he was unnaturally calm. There was a lump in his throat so thick he could barely swallow around it worrying Jensen would see what he was thinking all over his face.

Walking around the crowd at the concession stand, Jared spotted Jensen sitting in the lifeguard chair by the deep end of the pool. He had his sunglasses on and was still looking a little green around the gills. Taking a deep breath, he smirked as he walked slowly up to the chair and flicked the muscle of Jensen's thigh—hard.

Startled, Jensen jumped, nearly falling from the chair. Seeing Jared, his mouth turned down into a scowl as he rubbed at the blossoming red mark on his leg. "Hey, douchebag, that fucking hurt!"

He grinned, "Well pay more attention. You're in charge of lives here."

"Ass." Jensen signaled to the lifeguard across the pool that he was going on break and hopped down from the lifeguard chair. Gesturing to the bag in his hands, Jensen asked, "So did you bring me anything to eat or is that all for you?"

"Sorry, all for me. This morning you were moaning about never looking at food again, why would I bring you anything?"

He growled and grabbed at the bag. "Gimme." Jared let the bag go. "Okay, okay, take it. There's a turkey and cheese on wheat in there for you and some chips. The roast beef's all mine though."

They sat at a table set a little away from the groups of kids eating sticky ice cream. Jensen dug into his sandwich, probably starving since he didn't feel like he could keep down pancakes this morning.

Jared tried to listen as Jensen rambled about his morning and the fight he had to break up between a group of middle school boys, but he was distracted by the way Jensen's freckles stood out against sun-pinked cheeks. They were sprinkled lightly over the bridge of his nose—his breath caught tight in chest. Was he staring at Jensen's _freckles_?

Forcing his eyes away, his glance slid everywhere except back to Jensen.

Suddenly there were fingers snapping in his face. "Hey, space-cadet, are you even listening to me?"

Jensen was looking at him expectantly and he was struck by the bright green of his eyes and the slight pout of his lower lip.

He fumbled over his words, recounting what Jensen had been saying. Satisfied that he'd been listening, Jensen went back to his story, but Jared could not stop staring—the way the column of his throat bobbed while he spoke, the way the sleeves of Jensen's t-shirt fit snug against his biceps, his strong fingers—he totally just crushed on his best friend!

Pulse racing, he couldn't stop the panic from rising in him. He quietly gasped for breath as he tried rationalizing to himself that his thoughts about Jensen were only because he just ran into Scott. However, each time he looked up at Jensen it was harder to drag his gaze away from him.

He silently panicked throughout Jensen's entire break. He stuttered when he spoke and the more he tried to act normal, the stranger Jensen looked at him.

Finally, Jensen had to get back to work and Jared could escape to the far corner of the pool. He spread his towel over an empty chair and sat. Normally, he'd be in the pool rough housing with people from school, but today he just popped his headphones in and turned the volume up on his iPod.

He felt safe behind his dark sunglasses and let his gaze slide over to Jensen—a test to see if earlier was just a fluke.

Looking was a mistake, Jensen was gorgeous sitting high up in his chair his skin golden in the bright afternoon sun. He swallowed thickly, trying to force the sick feeling from his gut. He could not have a crush on Jensen, he was his best friend and feeling this way could only lead to bad, bad things.

[ ](http://s131.photobucket.com/albums/p288/Sinoftheday/Headers/?action=view&current=BigBang09-LifeguardJensen.jpg)

The longer he looked though the more he wanted to know what Jensen's skin felt like under his fingertips—what the sweat on his skin tasted like. Sitting up abruptly, he started to gather his things; he couldn't stay here all day like this—staring at Jensen, his mind going crazy with uncertainty.

He could see the moment Jensen realized he was leaving and he gestured to him, but Jared just waved to him and quickly left the pool.

***

Avoiding Jensen the rest of the weekend wasn't easy. He blew him off with texts about cramming for his last final, but he knew Jensen thought something was wrong. The thing was he really should have been studying, but he couldn't concentrate on anything besides Jensen.

Confronted with possible feelings for his best friend, his mind couldn't focus on studying. Maybe if it was just coming to terms with being attracted to a guy he could deal with it, but he'd known Jensen practically his whole life and being attracted to his best friend was something that could ruin their friendship.

By the time Sunday night rolled around, Jared still had done nothing but think of Jensen all weekend. In a few short hours he had his last final of his high school career and he found himself still awake; Otis and Max, the family dogs, staring at him with puzzled eyes and titled heads, wondering why he was pacing the floor.

Collapsing on his bed, he pressed the heels of his hands to his forehead. The dogs suddenly jumped from their resting spot on the floor and bounded to the window startling Jared from his inner turmoil. Looking up, Jared saw Jensen crouched on the awning outside his window.

Leaping up from the bed, he stumbled to the window, opening it quickly, "What the hell do you think you're doing? You could kill yourself climbing up here!"

Jensen tumbled through the window; head first, his hands catching him before he fell to the floor. "Well if you weren't avoiding me I could come through the front door, asshole."

He could feel his cheeks flush and he looked away from Jensen. "Not avoiding you, just studying."

Dusting himself off, Jensen stood, gently circling his fingers around Jared's wrist. "I know you, Jared; you've never studied this much in your whole life. I saw you napping in your mom's hammock out back all afternoon, you're not studying, but you _are_ avoiding me. What's going on?"

Suddenly the spot on his carpet near his big toe became extremely interesting. Tugging his arm from Jensen's grip, he fell back on his bed, arm draping across his face. "I can't talk about it."

Jensen scoffed, "Jared, you can talk about anything. I don't think there's been a time since I met you that you weren't rambling about something."

"Yeah, well, I can't talk to _you_ about this."

He didn't mean to say that, and he could feel the unspoken tension in the room change. Lifting his arm to peek at Jensen, he saw him standing uncomfortably—not knowing what to do with his hands or where to look.

"Oh—uh, okay. I'll just—go then."

His stomach ached; he hadn't meant to make Jensen feel bad. He couldn't take seeing Jensen hurt. Blowing out the stale air in his chest, he sighed. "Wait. Don't go. I didn't mean that. I just meant I'm not sure if I'm ready to tell anyone this."

Jensen's shoulders relaxed a fraction and he sat beside Jared on the bed. "You know you can tell me anything. We're best friends, you know that."

Rubbing at the back of his neck Jared tried to find the words to say what he was thinking. At a loss, he just blurted it out. "I'm kind of into guys." He couldn't lift his eyes to look at Jensen's reaction, so he just barreled on. "I mean, I'm definitely into guys, I've been thinking about it for a while, but just recently it kind of hit me hard and I've been freaking out about it."

There, that wasn't terrible—he told Jensen he liked guys—he just kept his mouth shut about 'guys' being Jensen.

The room was quiet when he finally braved another look at Jensen. He looked a bit shocked, but not angry or disgusted.

Before he could even think about the words coming out of his mouth he whispered, "And I have a crush on you."

 _That_ got Jensen's attention. Jensen inhaled sharply and Jared could see his eyes widen.

Moving to jump up from the bed, he fumbled for an apology. "Fuck, I'm sorry. Forget I said that. Fuck. Fuck."

Jensen's hands were on his arm and he pulled him back. "Stop it, just stop, Jared."

His breath rattled in his chest, but when he met Jensen's eyes he was looking at him fondly.

"This is going to sound like such a cliché, but I feel the same way. I'm gay, Jare—had it figured out for a while now. No one knows, except my friends at school. I wanted to tell you so bad, for so long, but I was so fucked up, you were so young and—" Sighing, he ran his fingers through his hair. "And when I came home this summer you were this whole different person, so tall with your stupid dimpled smile. I couldn't tell you because I thought you'd figure me out instantly."

Shock paralyzed him; he could barely think let alone move, yet he was leaning forward, pressing his lips to Jensen's and kissing him.

He didn't know what the hell he was doing, he'd never kissed a guy before, but when Jensen's hands slid from his biceps to the sides of his face he just went with it. Jensen's lips were soft and warm—exactly how he'd imagined—his mouth opened and there's just a hint of tongue against his lower lip. Moaning, Jared slid his tongue along side Jensen's.

His breathing stuttered and he leaned back rolling Jensen on top of him. Jensen's solid chest pressed against him was more than he could handle and he broke the kiss, gasping for air.

Jensen stared down at him with concern. "You okay?"

Nodding, he sat up. "This is all just so new to me. I need a minute."

Jensen brushed his hair back from his face and he melted into the touch.

"We should stop now anyway before things get out of hand. You need to sleep and we need to talk about all this."

He felt drained, like he could sink right into his mattress and through the floor. He shifted to lay on his bed properly, the stress and excitement of the day pulling him toward sleep. Jensen started toward the window, but he reached out to stop him. "Just go out the kitchen door like normal, I don't want to have to explain why you were climbing out my window in the middle of the night when you fall and break something."

Jensen ducked his head and kissed him once more and then was gone.

Jared lay in bed, trying to wrap his brain about what had just happened. It was so much so fast, but surprisingly he was not at all freaked out—knowing Jensen felt the same way made everything he was nervous about fade away.

Curling up in his blankets, he immediately drifted to sleep.

***

Jared barely remembered taking his final the next day. He had to have known enough though because he turned in a complete test filled with answers and an essay. He now found himself standing on Jensen's porch gearing up to see him for the first time since last night.

The bell chimed dully through the door and he twitched nervously while waiting; convinced that everything that happened the night before was a dream. When Jensen opened the door though he knew it wasn't a dream. Jensen's eyes were bright and he was smiling like he'd just won the lottery.

"Hey." They stared at each other, both grinning wide and silly. "So I'm done, my last final is over. I'm almost a high school graduate."

Pushing the door open wider, Jensen stepped back and let Jared in the house. "That's a load off my mind, never know with you."

"Hey," he said mock-affronted. "Just because I slack off sometimes does not mean you get to make fun."

Their jokes fizzled and they were left with an awkward silence again.

"Come on, let's go downstairs."

He followed Jensen to the basement, automatically picking up the second controller to the PS2. The saved game blinking on the screen started up when Jensen pressed a button on his controller and they played in silence until Jared just couldn't take in anymore. "What's going on? I mean with last night—"

Jensen paused the game. "I guess we should talk about that."

He felt itchy and he didn't know what to do with his hands. "Tell me about you first, and then we can get to everything else."

"There isn't much to tell. You knew what I was like in high school, I didn't date much. I just kind of thought I was too busy doing other stuff to seriously date. But then when I got to college—it was this whole other place with tons of different people—I realized I was looking at guys a whole hell of a lot more than I was looking at girls. I had a massive freak out and did some really stupid shit. Got drunk; fucked a bunch of girls. I was lucky I realized I was being an asshole before I really fucked myself up."

His chest ached for Jensen; he can't imagine what that must have been like for him. "You could have told me, you know, I may have been a kid, but at least you could have talked about it."

"I know, Jare, but I didn't want to tell anyone. I didn't even really want to know myself. I spent the next two years pretending to be like everyone else, but when I was alone at night in bed there was no hiding from it."

Shifting on the couch, Jensen faced him; he looked tired and raw. "This year though, I decided I wasn't going to hide from it anymore. Chris and Steve know; they weren't even that surprised when I told them. I wanted to tell you so bad, but—you were too close to home. My family can't know. And I thought if I told you, if I brought it home, they'd see it on my face."

Jensen talked and Jared listened, he wanted to understand why Jensen felt he couldn't tell him; it stung that he couldn't.

"I was going to tell you when I came home this summer. It was important to me that you knew, but when I saw you—you totally whammied me. I wasn't just looking at you and seeing my best friend, I was seeing someone I wanted to touch and kiss and it really fucked with my head."

Jared more than understood that feeling. "We're ridiculous, you know? We both were having the same freak out. All year, I've been crushing on this guy at school and thinking about him when—uh—I, you know." He mimed jerking off with his fist. "The other day at the pool it was just like my eyes opened and I wasn't seeing my obnoxious best friend, I was seeing this totally hot guy I wanted to kiss so badly."

Crinkles appeared around Jensen's eyes when he smiled. "And of course you over-reacted like the drama queen you are and locked yourself up in your room."

Hot embarrassment flushed his cheeks. "Maybe, but I got what I wanted—right?"

Their eyes met and the moment suspended between them as they gravitated closer. Just before their lips touched, Jensen breathed out, "Yeah, you totally did." They were kissing, a lot more sure than last night. Tangled on the couch and locked at the mouth, Jared thought he couldn't have gotten a better graduation gift.

***

They snuck around blissfully happy all summer, spending most of their time in Jensen's basement, their video game abandoned while they explored every inch of each other on the worn old couch.

August arrived with the stifling heat of the dog days of summer. With it brought all sorts of papers and brochures from UT. It made the beginning of college all the more real. It also made the idea of being with Jensen out in the open all the more enticing.

It was frustrating not being able to touch Jensen however he wanted, whenever he wanted, but Jensen was adamant, his family couldn't know which also meant Jared's family couldn't know. He couldn't keep everything to himself though; he told his parents that he was bisexual. At first they were shaken; it wasn't news that they could take lightly. Without knowing about Jensen, they felt it was a phase that might pass, but they talked about it often and Jared convinced them it wasn't just a phase. His parents worried for him—but it was better for him that they know than trying to keep such a big secret from his parents. He didn't understand how Jensen could do it.

With his housing assignment in hand, Jared rushed over to Jensen's, he was excited to have his roommate assignment, but mostly he wanted to know how close his dorm would be to Jensen's apartment.

He let himself in the back door and found Jensen in dim cool of the basement. "It came today. I got my housing assignment and roommate!"

The next words nearly stuck in the back of his throat when he saw Jensen. He was sprawled on the old couch, wearing nothing but mesh shorts and a black tank. Lifeguarding all summer had bronzed his skin a deep golden brown and freckles smattered his face, shoulders and down his arms.

Lazily, Jensen looked over to him from the television. "So where'd you get?"

Jensen stared at him expectantly, but it was like he'd forgotten everything he ever knew except what it felt like to kiss Jensen. The letter in his hand fluttered to the floor as he stumbled over his feet to the couch. Straddling Jensen's lap, he immediately sealed his mouth to Jensen's, swallowing his surprised gasp. Tugging at Jensen's shirt, he pulled it over his head, letting his hands roam the solid muscle of Jensen's torso.

His dick ached in his shorts and he wanted to feel all of Jensen's smooth skin against his. Jensen tried to calm him, sweeping his hands along his lower back. The hairs prickled on the back of his neck and he ground their cocks together. Throwing his head back, he moaned loudly when Jensen gripped his ass tight and pulled him down harder.

Jensen yanked at the button on his shorts, shoving his hand past his boxers to grip Jared's dick. His hips jerked forward, but he stilled the moment his eyes opened and he saw Jensen's brother, Josh, frozen on the stairs, gapping at them, mouth hanging open in surprise.

Confused, Jensen twisted to see what had caused Jared to stop. He froze though when he saw Josh. The three of them must have looked ridiculous all still as statues staring at each other, Jensen's hand still down the front of Jared's shorts.

Everything rushed to restart; Josh flailed and stuttered then ran back up the stairs. Jensen shoved him off his lap and Jared one moment behind sat on the floor where Jensen dumped him, dick hanging out while he watched as Jensen tore out of the room after his brother.

That was the last time Jared saw Jensen for over a year.

***

Jared had waited in the basement for almost an hour sure that Jensen would return any moment, but when he heard Mrs. Ackles come home from work, he snuck out through the back door. He'd called Jensen more times then he could count, but days went by and Jensen hadn't returned a single call.

Finally, he went over and knocked on the Ackles' front door. Shuffling his feet, his stomach roiled with nerves. The door opened, but instead of Jensen standing in the entryway, he saw Mrs. Ackles.

"Oh, Jared, I wasn't expecting you. Did you need something?"

Her pleasant tone sent warning signs up rather than reassuring him. "Oh, huh, well I was looking for Jensen."

Alarm bells blared, when her smile pressed down into a confused frown. "Jensen? He went back to school two days ago. Didn't he tell you he was leaving early? His friends were having some big back to school party that he said they insisted he be at. I really thought he would have told you."

His stomach dropped out from under him and at the same time it felt like his throat was closing up. He vaguely heard Mrs. Ackles calling to him from what sounded like under water, he couldn't answer her though. He stumbled across the Ackles' lawn and down the sidewalk to his house.

Not even totally sure how he wound up in his room, he pulled the curtains tight and climbed into bed. How could Jensen do that to him?

***

He arrived on campus at the end of August with a brave face. In the last two weeks he'd gotten really good at pretending he was alright. Jensen leaving without telling him hurt more than he could say. He called and emailed Jensen every single day for the first week, hoping and praying there was a simple explanation. He sulked in his room, sullen and angry, until his father forced him to tell him what was going on. His parents were clearly upset that Jared had kept he and Jensen dating a secret, but mostly they were concerned by Jared's disheartened attitude. They were at a loss as how to help and finally threatened him with a doctor when he didn't leave his room for the third day in a row.

When he realized how much he was scaring his parents it broke him from his dark mood. He was angry and hurt, he could admit that, but he also refused to let what Jensen had done ruin this new stage of his life. He promised his parents he was feeling better, he found his housing assignment, called his new roommate and began making plans for moving in.

He lugged box after box to his room, while his mother made his bed and put clothes in his dresser. He passed students in the stairwell and the hallway and while he acknowledged every nod of hello he got; he wasn't his normal loud, extroverted self.

Saying goodbye to his parents had been more difficult than he thought. His mother cried openly and he could see the shine of tears in his father's eyes as well. He knew they were more worried about him now with everything that had happened. They stood in the parking lot, Jared acutely aware of all the people milling around and hoping he didn't look too much like a momma's boy with the amount of times his mother insisted on hugging him. He tried to assure them, telling them he'd call and email often, but they still looked so sad when they finally got in the car.

Walking back from the parking lot to his dorm he had to force himself not to think about his parents driving away; the tightness in his chest at being completely alone made it almost hard to breath. He would never admit to it, but anyone that looked closely would have seen him wiping a few stray tears from his cheeks as he entered his building.

His roommate still had not arrived, but when he'd last spoken with Brock he'd told Jared he was driving from New Orleans with his parents and probably wouldn't get in until late afternoon. Back in his room he started to unpack the rest of his boxes, putting books on his shelves and arranging pictures and nick knacks on his desk and walls. He didn't realize how much time had gone by when suddenly there was another person in the room throwing a suitcase on the other bed.

"Hi, I take it you're Jared. I'm Brock and coming down the hall with the rest of my stuff are my parents."

Startled from his thoughts, it took a second for him to step forward and shake Brock's hand. Instead of his normal bright tone, his voice was soft, almost shy. "Good to finally meet you."

Brock was all Southern charm and molasses drawl—his words dripping with genuine kindness. He was thrown by how much Brock reminded him of Jensen. He had big blue eyes and pretty features and though his hair was longer then Jensen's, the way it flopped into his eyes reminded Jared of how Jensen could hide behind his long lashes. Pushing those thoughts from his mind, he smiled and asked if he could help unload his stuff.

Brock didn't have much to unpack—he had a philosophy about not hauling too much stuff around with him, a philosophy that Jared would come to learn over time applied to many things in Brock's life. Being an army brat and moving every time his dad was reassigned forced him not to hold onto too much junk.

He gave Brock some time alone with his parents to say goodbye, but soon enough they were alone in their dorm room surrounded by what Jared would call freedom. For the first time in his life Jared didn't have the urge to fill the silence with his chatter. It was already late and they both were starving from lugging boxes and arranging the furniture all afternoon; so they followed the scent of charcoal and grilled meat to the Freshmen Welcome Cook-Out.

They crowded at a picnic table with people from their floor; all sorts of introductory and getting-to-know-you conversations going on all around them. They met Katie and Genevieve, two girls that lived a just few doors down and hit it off right away. Katie and Gen came from backgrounds as different as could be—Katie a born and bred LA native and Gen calling the laid-back ski bum town of Sun Valley home—yet somehow they were already thick as thieves. There was a lot of chatter around the table; he listened attentively instead of talking people's ears off like he might have done a few weeks ago. It kept him from dwelling on Jensen—but he silently wished he could not think of him at all.

Later back at the dorm, Katie and Genevieve and a guy named Jake from the other end of the hall—whose roommate had taken off almost as soon as he arrived to find his girlfriend in another building—gravitated toward Jared and Brock's open door. With people spilling out into every hallway; it was nice to have the chance to get to know them without a million people around.

Even though their room was a mess, everyone found a place to sit and they started talking. Eventually, the conversation came around to why they chose UT. Everyone had a reason, but when it was Jared’s turn he stumbled and stuttered over his answer, making everyone look at him with interest.

"I came to UT because my best friend goes here."

Out of simple curiosity Brock asked. "How come you didn't mention him before? He's sure to be able to keep us from sticking our foot in it our first week here."

Up until two weeks ago that was exactly what Jared expected Jensen to do, but now just the mention of him had him seeing red and at the same time making his stomach twist. Jared had never been a good liar and he could never keep his feelings from showing on his face; he knew everyone in the room had to see that the subject was causing him distress.

Looking at the faces staring back at him, he made a choice, when Jensen abandoned him he abandoned their friendship as well; if he was going to make new friends—he had to start somewhere. He might as well tell these people now who he was, at least then if they had a problem with him he wouldn't be hurt again by someone he liked and cared about.

"I—yeah—we had—" He didn't even know if he could call it a fight. They didn't argue; Jensen just disappeared. He took a steadying breath. "Look—we'd been best friends our whole lives, but at the beginning of the summer something changed between us. He and I, sort of got together, as in dating."

He looked for adverse reactions, but no one seemed put off—only listening attentively.

"Anyway, Jensen didn't want to come out. His parents are pretty religious and he thought they'd disown him or something. But a few weeks ago we were hanging out—uh—making out, pretty hot and heavy and his brother caught us. Jen freaked and took off after him. That was the last time I saw or heard from him."

Everyone looked scandalized and Genevieve moved to sit next to him, patting his arm consolingly. "I'm sorry, that's terrible. Maybe he was just scared and he'll come around."

Shaking his head, he rolled his shoulders back trying to release some tension. "I don't think so; his mom told me he came back here early. He left without telling me and he hasn't responded to one call or email I've sent him. I just don't understand how he could do this to me. We've been through everything together—good and bad." He had to stop; his voice was getting thready and he was on the verge of embarrassing himself further by crying in front of these virtual strangers. Gen shifted closer and rested her palm on his shoulder blade; he took a breath and continued. "This wasn't just him freaking out about us getting caught together. He totally abandoned us—our friendship. He was the first guy I was ever with and he knew it, he knows _me_ —knows how my brain works. He knows what not calling is putting me through, but he's doing it anyway."

He stared at his hands in his lap—fingers twisted together so tight his knuckles were pulled taut and skin bloodless white.

"I'm so angry at him. Even if he showed up in that doorway wanting to explain, I don't know if I could forgive him. He's been my best friend since I was six and he just left me on the floor in his basement without even looking back."

The room was awkwardly silent—the shuffle and crash from the rest of the hallway's inhabitants still moving in filtered through the open door. Everyone looked thoroughly disheartened; he stood, brushed off his jeans and pulled a weak smile onto his face. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to bring everyone down. I'm good, no need for everyone to look so miserable. There's that freshmen orientation party starting in the quad. We should go, seriously, come on."

They looked at him with concern—unsure how to react to his sudden change in mood. Slowly, though, they started to stand, all gravitating closer around Jared, not commenting on all the crap he just dumped on them, but unconsciously supporting him by creating a sort of human shield around him as they crowded into the hall and then spilled out into the quad.

The music was loud and there were groups of people spread throughout the open space. He didn't need Jensen—he would make new friends—he would move on.

***

As it turned out he was blessed with an awesome roommate; Brock might have had a laissez-faire attitude toward school work, but he was smart as hell and he never missed class. He was up before his alarm went off almost every morning while Jared always pleaded with his blaring alarm clock for five more minutes.

They quickly became good friends; sometimes sitting in companionable silence for hours doing schoolwork and other times rambling to each other late into the night. Brock never pushed, but he was very in tune to when something reminded Jared of Jensen. Often Jared would stop short in the middle of telling stories about home realizing that the focus of the story was Jensen. And he often found Brock looking on with concern when he caught Jared searching the throngs of people on campus for Jensen's face—still he never made Jared feel uncomfortable or wrong.

He tried to hide how hurt he still was, succeeding most days easily, being absorbed in class, his work study job and his friends. However, in attempt to try and prove to himself that he could get over Jensen he went on a few truly disastrous dates and one date that wasn't bad at all, but well and truly freaked him out.

The evening Jared returned from his date with Taylor, Brock was still up working on an English paper. He looked up from his laptop, trying to gauge how the date went. "So how was it? Better than the guy Jake set you up with?"

"The close talker? Hell yes. Ty kept a respectable distance while speaking. I like him, we're not gonna buy a house and move to the suburbs together, but I had fun."

"Then why do you look like you're gonna spew?"

He shrugged, looking away. "The date was good, really."

"Jared, you look like you just found a gator in your bed. You're freaked, dude."

He might as well spill his guts now, if Brock could see how he was feeling just by looking at him, once the girls got a look at him they'd hog tie him until he gave up what was wrong.

He sighed and flopped onto his bed. "The problem is that there isn't a problem. Taylor is great—smart, funny—everything I'd be looking for. But as I was sitting there listening him talk about growing up in Vancouver and playing hockey as a kid, I realized I was still hung up on Jensen. I was looking at him hoping to see green eyes. And when he kissed me I had to force myself from shoving him back when it wasn't Jensen's mouth."

Dragging his fingers through his hair, he sighed again, utterly defeated. "For all I've tried to get over him—to forget about him—I'm still in love with him."

Just saying it made some of the tightness in his chest unwind. He'd been trying so hard to not care about Jensen that it made him feel suffocated and it did nothing for actually getting over him.

His confession and subsequent silence left an awkward tension hanging over them; he turned on their small TV and grabbed at the Nintendo controller. "Hey, I think you need a study break, wanna play?"

Brock took the offered controller and turned on the game console. Loud static-y music blasted from the speakers as their saved game resumed and they ignored the fact Jared had once again spilled his thoughts without meaning to.

***

Realizing that he was still in love with Jensen helped him try to truly move on. He stopped trying to deny how he felt so he was able to quietly deal with it. Everyone noticed the change, he was more like himself, however since his new friends had only known him 'after Jensen' they were surprised to find such an easy-going, gregarious guy.

One afternoon not long after Jared's one and only date with Taylor, he was sitting near the Liberal Arts building with Jake and Gen telling some ridiculous story and laughing freely. When they finally caught their breath, Gen looked at him her eyes still bright with laughter. "I like you like this, Jared."

He's cheeks ached in a permanent smiled, the punch line to his story still making him smirk. "Huh? What do you mean?"

Jake nodded in agreement and extended a bag of chips in offering to them. "You're, like, lighter or something. It's like when people say 'the smile never reached his eyes.' You used to smile and laugh, but it never reached your eyes."

Gen agreed enthusiastically, "Exactly! You should be like this more often."

He felt his face close down for a minute, probably looking exactly like what they said he usually looked like. He didn't want to be the guy his friends worried about all the time; he shook off the thought and flashed them a genuine smile before starting to tell another joke.

***

As the semester continued on, Jared thought less and less about Jensen. He didn't worry so much about running into him on campus or what he might be doing at that moment. And he eventually, thought he might be ready to go out on a date again.

He pointed out a cute guy to Katie and Gen one afternoon when their whole group was walking to the dining hall. It started an interesting debate about what was hot and what was not, but it also made Jake ask innocently if Jared was strictly looking to date guys.

He thought it would be difficult to answer, but without much thought he easily knew. "You know, I still find women absolutely attractive, but I also have no desire to date them, at least right now. Maybe that'll change, but I think it's guys for me."

***

Later that evening he and Brock were holed up in their room trying to do work, but not having much luck concentrating. Jared was watching Youtube videos rather than doing his homework when Brock's voice pierced his thoughts.

"I'm not getting anything done. I hate Statistics, why is it even required? My brain actually hurts from thinking about this stuff."

He turned away from his laptop, giving up finishing the questions for his Humanities class. "I know! I just can't make my brain work tonight. You want to walk to the convenience store for a snack? I could go for some Doritos."

Brock pushed away from his desk, looking near the foot of his bed for shoes. "Definitely."

They took their time walking to the convenience store located near the dining hall, stopping occasionally to talk to people along the way. On the way back into their building, they stopped for about twenty minutes to hang with the group of smokers congregated on the stairs leading to the front door.

Jared didn't know most of them, beyond seeing them around their dorm, but he wound up talking to a guy that lived two floors above them. It wasn't flagrant, but about five minutes into the conversation Jared realized Matt was flirting with him. At first he was surprised, but once he realized there wasn't any real intent he flirted back, enjoying the banter.

Eventually, he and Brock headed back to their room to eat their snacks. Jared snapped on the TV as he walked by, dropping onto the ratty old futon they had shoved into the corner of the room and rustled open his big bag of Doritos, popping a few in his mouth and offering some to Brock.

Shaking his head, he motioned he had his bag of pretzels—his mouth stuffed with gooey caramel from a candy bar. They munched and crunched, watching some random game on TV. He was about to suggest a movie, when Brock spoke.

"You know I was with a guy once."

Surprised, Jared turned to face Brock where he was loosely sprawled on his bed. He wasn't sure why Brock was bringing this up now, but he'd gotten Jared's attention. "Oh—you never mentioned it before."

Still facing the television, speaking as if they were talking about the weather, he shrugged. "It wasn't a big deal. Just some guy, we were both experimenting."

He really didn't know what to say to that or if there was a reason Brock was suddenly talking about this. "And how did the experiment work out for you?"

Finally looking over at Jared, Brock grinned, a small dimple popping in his cheek. "Pretty damn good. The sex was fantastic; his mouth was like nothing I'd ever experienced before, not like I had much to compare it to, but still— _hot_."

Grinning now too, Jared pushed off from the futon and sat on the edge of Brock's bed, poking him in the ribs. "You dirty little slut! Why didn't you ever tell me this before?"

He shrugged again like it was no big deal—all New Orleans-laidback-cool.

Curious now, he had to ask, "So is this something you do often?"

"Nah, it was just that one time, but I'm open to whatever comes along. Just like you flirting your ass off with Matt out there—when someone interesting comes along I'll see how it goes."

He didn't know why he did it; it was like his body was moving independent of his thoughts as he leaned closer—his leg pressed knee to hip against Brock's. "And no one's come along?"

Their eyes met and a intense glance hung between them. Slowly, they leaned even closer and their lips brushed ever so lightly. They stayed like that, mouths pressed together, for a never-ending moment. When they pulled apart, Jared couldn't drag his eyes from Brock's. His blue eyes slowly lit up, and they both cracked up with laughter. They dissolved into giggles, falling over each other until they could finally stop themselves.

Jared's gut hurt from laughing so hard and Brock was clutching his stomach obviously feeling the same pleasant tightness from a good long laugh.

He stood, moving over to his own bed. "Well, that was stupid."

Ducking his head, though the remnants a grin still on his face, Brock shook his head. "Yeah, let's pretend we never did that. Now let's find something good to watch, this game sucks."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Artist Credit: ewlyn
> 
> I would like to thank , and the for running the comm. It's one of my most favorite things in fandom to participate in.
> 
> Thank you to for doing the wonderfully amazing art she did for this fic, especially as a pinch hitter. Go comment [here](http://community.livejournal.com/6magic_bitch/9787.html#cutid1) and tell her how awesome she is. Not only because she did beautiful art, but because as she read my fic she fixed typos and grammatical errors. ETA: added a second piece of art, Jensen in his life guard gear and OMG it is amazing. If you haven't seen it check it out at her art post and comment telling her how awesome it is.
> 
> And lastly to , for the third year in a row she's read through my fic catching the last few typos and just generally cheering me on.
> 
> I never thought my posting date would get here and now that it is I hope you all enjoy reading this as much as I've enjoyed writing it.


	2. Chapter 2

November was speeding by; Jared was busy with classes and his work study job. With each day that passed he thought less and less about Jensen. He almost didn't realize how soon he would be going home for Thanksgiving until Brock asked whether he was going home Tuesday night or Wednesday. 

His dad couldn't pick him up until Wednesday, but when he was leaving wasn't what made him take pause. He was going home—home to where Jensen lived two houses down from him—not in some off-campus apartment that Jared didn't even have an address to.

Random thoughts flashed through his brain. What would he say if he saw Jensen? Would they fight? Would Jensen try to explain? Apologize?

In the last months Jared had been hit with sporadic pangs of longing; missing being able to pick up the phone and call Jensen to talk about anything, but not sure if he was ready to see him either. 

As Thanksgiving break loomed closer, Jared got jumpier, and before he knew it he was back at home, his mother rushing around yelling at him not to leave his bags in the foyer that she's just straightened and calling to Megan to check on the food in the oven.

He missed the chaos of his house; dogs always underfoot and people unexpectedly dropping by. Jeff had brought home his girlfriend and when he'd introduced her he gave Jared a look that screamed 'be on your best behavior.' 

Jared smiled innocently; he'd be perfectly pleasant to Elena, but before this weekend was over she was definitely going to get a good look at Jeff's baby book—naked baby pictures and all.

Despite being overjoyed at seeing his family, he couldn't fight the feeling of having a lead balloon sitting in his stomach. Tonight everyone home from college would be out catching up before spending Thanksgiving Day with their families. Without even trying he was sure he'd run into Jensen.

Around nine o'clock he met up with some of his high school friends; all bursting with stories about college, new friends and new girlfriends or boyfriends. While Jared talked with everyone he ran into at the burger joint they hit up first, and then later at the old water tower out by Route 26—he constantly had an eye out for Jensen.

Throughout the night he talked to plenty of people, but by the time he was leaving well after he should have been home, he'd still hadn't laid eyes on Jensen. 

*** 

Waking up Thanksgiving morning to the smell of turkey already cooking and his mother making breakfast, couldn't have been a better way to wake up.

He shuffled downstairs to find his mother humming to herself while she puttered around the kitchen. 

"Mmm, do I smell bacon?"

His mom startled at his voice, but turned to face him with a smile on his face. "I'm not used to anyone else up this early, especially you, sweetie. Is college making you an early bird?"

Snagging a piece of bacon from the pan, he answered around a mouth full of hot food. "No, home-cooked breakfast is making me an early bird."

Placing a plateful of eggs, bacon and pancakes in front of him, his mother sat next to him at the breakfast bar with her cup of coffee. "So how's school? We didn't get a chance to talk at all last night."

"Good." He dug into the omelet, savoring the taste. "I like my classes and Brock and I get along great."

Her voice softened with a hesitant concern. "Good, and how's everything else? You seem better—it must be easier without Jensen at school."

A mouthful of egg nearly shot across the room; Jensen wasn't at school? And how did his mother know this?

He tried not to sound so shocked, but he couldn't stop from practically shouting a stunned "What!" 

His mother looked confused. "I thought you knew—I thought someone would have told you. I ran into Donna at the market a few days ago, she said Jensen couldn't get off from his internship to even come home for Thanksgiving."

Still in complete shock, he asked. "Internship?"

Instead of confused, now his mother just looked concerned. "I know you didn't want to talk about Jensen with us, but did you talk to anyone?"

His shoulders hunched and he pushed his plate to the side, suddenly not very hungry anymore. "It's complicated, Momma. My friends at school know, but I couldn't tell anyone at home that knew Jen. Even after what he did, I couldn't out him like that. Can you just tell me what Mrs. Ackles said?"

"It seems after Jensen went back to school he got a last minute spot for some sort of fancy internship in New York. He made arrangements with the school to take a year off and earn some credit for the internship, but he's been in New York since the end of August."

Jared couldn't believe Jensen has been in New York this whole time. All the anxiety and worry that had plagued him since he'd stepped foot on campus was for nothing. Jensen had never been there at all. 

The shock was too much—he couldn't believe that Jensen felt he had to run all the way to New York just to ditch Jared. He didn't think Jensen would ever do that to him, but as it turned out he didn't know Jensen as well as he thought.

He wandered from the kitchen, his mom calling after him. He waved back to her, telling her he was fine, he just needed to think. He could tell she was worried again, but he couldn't explain to her now—now he really just needed to be alone.

*** 

The rest of Thanksgiving weekend passed by in a blur—too many relatives in the house made it easy to blend in and not have to answer too many questions. However, his mother threw increasingly concerned looks in his direction each time he retreated to his room rather than spend time with the family. 

Going back to school Sunday afternoon was a relief. He didn't know how much longer he could have stood dodging his mother's inquires about how he was feeling. As it was, she barely let him go back with his weak assurances that he was fine.

It was strange being back on campus and knowing for sure Jensen wasn't there. He wanted to pretend it wasn't any different than before, but before he was comforted thinking Jensen was near by. He'd hoped that if he was ever truly in trouble Jensen would still be there to help—without that comfort, he well and truly realized Jensen was gone and he was alone. 

***

He did not want to burden his friends with more of his Jensen drama, but they immediately noticed a difference in him. Brock and Jake quietly prodded him, while Gen and Katie badgered him until he broke, telling them everything. Not surprisingly, once he told them it eased his mind.

A week or so after Thanksgiving break, he was having lunch with Genevieve and Jake when he nearly choked on a French Fry hearing a familiar voice. Across the cafeteria near the Corner Grill he heard not Jensen, but his friend Chris. He was shouting to two people Jared didn't recognize.

Jake smacked him on the back dislodging the fry, causing him to heave and cough loudly. He slouched in his seat hoping not to draw attention. He surreptitiously watched as Chris joked with the people at his table and was relieved that he had not looked over at Jared's coughing fit.

Both Katie and Jake were searching the direction Jared was staring.

"What's going on?"

"Who are you looking at?"

Dragging his attention away from Chris, he explained that the guy on the far side of the dining room was a friend of Jensen's.

He could see them both discreetly try to get a look at the person that knew the elusive best friend/ex-boyfriend. He thought he might be tempted to go over to Chris—ask him about Jensen—but he suddenly realized he didn't feel the need to. 

Beyond being only slightly curious as to Chris' reaction to Jared he honestly didn't need to know. It made him feel as if he was finally free of Jensen.

***

The rest of the year seemed to fly by after he stopped dwelling so much on Jensen. More relaxed and carefree, he was able to enjoy his freshmen experience. Including a spring break trip that ended with Katie and Gen in possession of blackmail photos of Brock, Jake and himself beyond drunk and sans clothing.

Each day that passed made things just a little bit easier and when the summer came he was home again like nothing was any different.

Jensen didn’t come home for the summer, but Jared didn’t think about it. He worked at the local ice cream parlor and even went out to visit Brock in New Orleans. By the end of the summer he was actually looking forward to going back to school and having all his friends close by again. He, Brock and Jake lucked out in the dorm lottery and got a nice suite in the sophomore dorms and Katie and Gen had a double two floors down in the same building. 

Everything was shaping up for an awesome year; that was until he walked out of his dorm with Brock and Jake two days after moving in and saw Jensen standing on the stairs like he’d been sitting there all afternoon waiting for him.

*** 

It felt like a punch to the gut with all the air rushing out of him on a single word. "Jensen."

Jensen stood, nervous tension obvious in the stiffness of his frame. "Jared."

It felt as if he'd stepped in wet cement that suddenly hardened. He couldn't move, he couldn't take his eyes off Jensen, he could barely breathe.

Brock and Jake looked more than a little concerned, slowly shifting to block Jensen from getting any closer. In hushed tones they asked if he wanted them to make Jensen leave. Brock squeezing his shoulder finally broke him from his stupor. Taking a deep breath, he nudged his friends aside and stepped closer to Jensen.

"Jared—I—can we talk?"

He still couldn't quite believe Jensen was standing here in front of him. He wasn't going to let those familiar pleading eyes get to him though. "I was actually going to dinner with my _friends_. Why don't you go back to New York and talk to someone there."

The flinch that shook through Jensen's body was visible. "Jared—please." The way his voice broke and the shine of tears that made his eyes gleam in the late afternoon sun gave Jared pause.

"Please, can't we just talk? I need to explain so much to you. We can go to the dining hall if you want—keep your friends near by."

It's what he'd wanted a year ago, Jensen here and willing to talk, but faced with him he was scared—he didn't know if he was ready to hear what Jensen had to say. 

He steeled himself and thought 'screw that,' he deserved answers and he damn well was going to get them.

"Yeah, okay, we can eat and talk in the dining hall."

Both Jake and Brock wore troubled looks and were wary of letting him go off with Jensen, but he reassured them with a smile and told them he'd be alright. 

*** 

The dining hall wasn't crowded and Jensen chose a table near the wall, trying to give them some privacy. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that Brock and Jake had taken a table close enough to interrupt if needed, but far enough away not to intrude.

The air around the table was thick with tension and Jared had never felt so awkward. He sat ramrod straight and focused on his food. While Jensen ignored his plate in favor of watching Jared.

He jabbed at his food, anger building and pulsing through his body as he waited for Jensen to speak. "You’re the one who wanted to talk, so talk." 

Sitting back Jensen appraised him with a fond smile and said, "I don't know how it's possible, but I think you got even taller."

Dropping his fork, Jared spoke frostily. "Don't. Don't act like you've just been away for a weekend or something. It's been a _year_ , Jensen. You bailed on me—took off without a word. If I hadn't heard through our mothers you were off in New York I wouldn't have even known where you were. So don't act like this is all alright."

Jensen's whole body sagged in the hard metal chair. He looked small and tired. "You're right I'm sorry. I'm just not sure how to even do this."

His anger made his hands shake. "Well say something or I'm leaving. I'm not here to shoot the shit."

Chastised, Jensen ducked his head and took an audible breath. "Okay, then I guess I should say I'm sorry."

He snorted—he couldn't help it. "I hope you've got more than that." 

Jensen's shoulders folded in tighter and he scratched at the back of his neck—a nervous tick he'd had since childhood. "I'm trying here, Jared. I really am."

He folded his arms across his chest and sat back in his chair. "Well, try harder."

Jensen was quiet for another few moments, like he was trying to think of where to begin. It took several steadying breaths before he began to speak. "Jare, that day in the basement, when Josh caught us I was so scared—more scared than I'd ever been about anything. You don't know what my family is like—not really—not behind closed doors. In public they keep their opinions to themselves, but at home Dad and Josh talked about 'fags' and 'queers,' they made comments you'd be shocked to hear come out of their mouths. When I caught up to Josh, he didn't look at me. He looked _through_ me like I was nothing—like I wasn't even there."

Jared's chest tightened, hearing that. He couldn't imagine Jeff or his parents ever looking at him like that.

"I tried to talk to him, make him understand that what we had was special, but he wasn't listening to any of it. He told me he wouldn't tell my parents if I promised—swore on my life—that I'd never be with a guy ever again, you or anyone else." His voice was thick with tears, and a wheeze rattled in his chest as he tried to take a steadying inhale. "I was scared enough of what my parents might do to agree."

It was a distressing account of that day and Jared could almost understand the position Jensen was put in, but it didn't explain why he abandoned Jared. Not realizing how effected he was by Jensen's speech, his voice quavered when he asked. "What about me though? You could have explained it to me, I'm your best friend, I would have been there for you."

Jensen squeezed his eyes tightly shut, then glanced up to meet Jared's gaze. "I knew—" He had to stop and attempt to clear the strain from his throat. "I knew if I saw you, if I talked to you again I wouldn't have been able to do it. I wouldn't have been able to be around you and not be with you. I—I was and still am in love with you. That's why I came back."

His heart skipped a beat, promptly plummeted into his stomach and then ratcheted up to lodge in his throat. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He couldn't deal with this right now. Pushing back from the table, he stuttered. "I have to go—I can't—I just have to go." 

Brock and Jake—who Jared had forgotten were even there—were immediately on either side of him, rushing with him out the door.

*** 

Jared could tell Brock and Jake were dying to ask questions, but he couldn't rehash everything right now and certainly couldn't tell them why Jensen had returned. He crawled into bed fully clothed; his brain worked in overdrive until it finally exhausted itself and he was dragged under into sleep.

He woke the next morning to loud voices filtering in from the common room. It sounded like Brock and Jake were having an argument which even in his still half-asleep state seemed wrong—until he heard a third voice, Jensen's voice.

He was up out of bed in a matter of seconds, his jeans tangled in his blanket nearly taking him face-first to the floor. He tumbled out his room to find both Brock and Jake blocking their open door and yelling at Jensen.

He stumbled forward; arms out to separate them and shouted. "Stop! Stop it, what the hell is going on?"

All three guys froze upon seeing Jared. He stared each of them down, until Brock, pointing his finger at Jensen, finally spoke. "He showed up here demanding to see you and wouldn't leave when we told him you were still sleeping."

Jensen huffed and narrowed his eyes at Brock. "I did not _demand_ to see you. I just stopped by to see if you were alright. You left pretty suddenly last night."

His shoulders sagged, he was not awake enough for this. "Okay—okay, Jensen why don't you wait downstairs for me. I'm gonna change and clean up and I'll meet you in fifteen minutes."

He tossed a smug glance in Brock and Jake's direction, but quickly buried it when Jared stared him down. "Sure, I'll be downstairs."

Jensen disappeared and Jake shut their door; both his suitemates staring at him like he'd lost his mind. 

"Look guys, I'm giving him his chance to explain, the sooner I do the sooner he can leave me alone, so don't look at me like that."

Both guys nodded, but traded a look that unequivocally said they did not think it was a good idea.

*** 

Jensen was sitting on the top step to the building, legs stretched in front of him and crossed at the ankles. He looked just as he did when he would wait on the porch of Jared's house on Saturday mornings. He has to force himself not to bend down behind Jensen and flick the back of his neck.

"Hey."

Jensen startled and quickly got to his feet. "Hey."

Despite splashing cold water on his face, Jared was still groggy from being woken so abruptly, so he suggested walking to the coffee shop in the student center.

Thankfully, the walk was short because the silence was thick between them. After ordering their coffee and finding a table, Jensen finally broke the silence. "I'm sorry for laying all that on you last night and I'm sorry for the fighting this morning; though I promise I wasn't demanding to see you."

"I know, the guys were just being protective."

Nodding, Jensen continued talking. "I wasn't lying when I said I came back here for you. I learned a lot in New York. Being away in a big city where no one knows you teaches you so much about yourself. I learned that I love my family, but I can't be someone I'm not just to make them happy. I learned that I can survive without them if I have to, but I _can't_ survive without you."

A shiver ran down his spine as if a gust of wind had just blown through the coffee shop. "I—don't know what to say to that."

Jensen set his coffee on the table; shifting his chair closer to Jared to make their conversation more private—almost intimate. "You don't have to say anything. I need you to know that while I got by in New York, I was miserable without you. You're the most important person in my life and I know I fucked up big time—with both our friendship and our relationship. I know I can't expect—can't expect you to just let me back in your life, but I was hoping you might let me try. Let me prove myself, Jared, please."

The sticky, sweet of the mocha in his coffee coated his tongue; he was just as confused as he was last night. He was angry—so very angry—with Jensen, but deep down he still cared for him, at the very least, as his friend. 

Jensen stared at him so full of hope, but he still didn't know what to say. "I have to think about it."

Jensen started to stand as Jared did, "Wait, what does that mean?"

"It means I have some stuff to figure out about how I want you in my life—if at all. Don't come by the dorm, I'll call you when I'm ready."

He couldn't look back as he walked away. He knew Jensen would look crushed; and he honestly didn't know if he'd have the strength to walk away from that.

*** 

Brock and Jake were anxiously waiting for him to return; they must have updated Katie and Gen on what had happened because no more than fifteen minutes after he stepped foot in the door, they were knocking to be let in.

He was drained already and he'd only been awake two hours, but he couldn't keep what Jensen had said from his friends. They were too concerned, too worried. Quickly, he relayed his conversation with Jensen, answering the girl's questions as best he could.

"So what are you going to do? I mean he can't just walk back in here and expect you to pretend nothing ever happened."

It was clear by the way they all looked expectantly at Jared that everyone was thinking the same thing that Katie had voiced.

Brushing his hair out of his face, he looked at the group. "Guys, I haven't figured out exactly what I'm going to do, but I'm not just going to forgive him and let everything go back the way it was before—I'm too angry for that. But he's been my best friend practically my whole life, I can't just let that go either. He fucked up and he knows it. I think maybe I want to take things slow, just as friends and only friends. I don't want anything more than that."

Somehow they managed a four-way look between them that said they didn't really believe him. He wasn't sure if he believed himself either.

*** 

The next few days kept Jared too busy to really think about Jensen. He started classes and worked his first shift of the semester at his new work study job in the alumni office. It wasn't until he was in bed trying to fall asleep in the dark quiet of his room that Jensen would creep into his thoughts. 

Staring at the ceiling, he'd turn over and over in his head what Jensen had told him. The logical part of his brain told him that Jensen had good reasons for his actions, but his heart told him that what Jensen did was unforgivable no matter what the reason.

Each night that passed it took him longer and longer to fall asleep and each day he was more exhausted. 

On a Wednesday, he missed lunch with Brock and Jake; them finding him passed out on their small couch, his notebook open across his chest.

He blinked awake to Brock leaning over him looking rather concerned. As he sat up, he saw Jake over Brock's shoulder with the same worried expression. He shuffled the pages of his notebook shut and tossed it onto the small table. "Sorry guys, must have been more tired than I thought."

Sitting down, obviously frustrated with him, Jake pointed out sarcastically. "Yeah, well, if you slept for more than three hours a night you wouldn't be so tired."

Agreeing, Brock looked just as frustrated. "You should just talk to him. You know you want to, we know you want to and you'll finally sleep if you actually do."

Ducking his head, he felt like he was letting them down if he admitted he really, really wanted to see Jensen. "I—I just need to see this out, see if I could even be friends with him again."

Brock pushed at his shoulder. "So go, go talk to him. You'll feel better."

*** 

It took a few tries before Jared could hit 'Talk' on his phone and dial Jensen. Upon hearing the first ring, he almost hung up, but he stuck it out and Jensen eventually answered. His voice was hesitant and quick, like he wasn't sure if he could believe the ID on his phone screen. "Jared?"

"Hey, Jensen, I was calling—" He cleared his throat and started again. "I was calling to see if you wanted to do something."

He knew by the excitement that threaded through Jensen's voice that there was a huge grin on his face.

"Really?"

"Yeah, I thought we might grab dinner or maybe play some video games. We've got an X-Box in my room—uh though on second thought it might be better if we hang out someplace other than my room, so how about just dinner."

"Yes, definitely, whatever you want to do is good with me. When? How about tonight?" 

Jensen was breathing heavy, stumbling over his words in a hurry to get them out. It made him grin knowing that Jensen was so anxious to see him.

"Tonight is good. I usually eat dinner in the student center; the cheese steaks they make at the Grill are awesome—do you want to meet me there around six?"

"Sure, I'll see you at six."

*** 

Jensen was waiting outside the entrance to the Corner Grill when Jared got there at ten after. He was shifting on his feet and his gaze was sweeping the crowd—looking as if he thought Jared might have ditched him. When he finally laid eyes on Jared his face lit up with a grin that made Jared's chest ache with nostalgia. 

He had to force himself not to return the grin with a full-force smile of his own. He waved with a small upturn of his mouth and greeted Jensen. They quickly got food and found a place to sit, but they sat uncomfortably picking at their food—both trying to come up with a topic of conversation.

Finally Jensen asked about his roommates and the friends he'd made over the last year. Once he got started talking about his friends, the tension eased and they both relaxed.

"It sounds like you've met some really great people."

He popped another fry into his mouth. "Yeah, they're all great. We got pretty tight right from the start. Especially Brock and I—living together last year kind of made it easy."

Jensen's expression dimmed a bit. "You guys seemed close, he was pretty protective of you the other morning."

Jared could see what Jensen was edging at; he considered letting Jensen's insinuation dangle out there and let him assume what he wanted, but he didn't want to lie either. "If you're asking if Brock and I are involved, we're not. There's nothing like that between us. I've dated a little, but I'm not seeing anyone right now. Though it shouldn't matter, I told you I'm not looking for that from you. I just want to work out our friendship."

Widening his eyes, Jensen held his palms up in defense. "No, I wasn't fishing. I just—well maybe I was—but I know we're only going to be friends now." His voice softened to a dejected whisper. "I know I fucked up my chance to be with you when I left."

There was a pang of sadness in his chest. Jensen's words made it sound so final, though Jared didn't want to think about it like that. He changed the subject and asked Jensen about his internship and New York.

They wound up talking long after they finished eating and when Jared left Jensen outside the student center he was glad he'd called. He and Jensen just might be able to be friends again.

*** 

Jared kept his contact with Jensen limited at first. He met him for a lunch occasionally, and then slowly started to meet him at the library to do homework and study together.

Jensen was working so hard to regain his trust; he called when Jared asked, he never showed up unannounced, and he never pushed for more of his time. It wasn't just Jensen following Jared's rules; depth returned to their friendship and Jared found they could talk about more than just classes and homework. He still had yet to invite Jensen to his dorm; mostly because he didn't want Brock and Jake fighting with Jensen again, but also because it felt like if he let Jensen into where he lived it was like officially allowing him back into all parts of his life.

One afternoon, though, Jensen met him after his last class for the day and walked with him back toward the dorm. They stood uncomfortably at the foot of the stairs, Jensen hoping to be invited in and Jared debating on whether he should. 

Finally, he realized if he didn't really want Jensen in his dorm room he would have gone inside ten minutes ago without him.

The grin on Jensen face when he invited him to come up was reason enough to have asked.

Upon opening the door, he found luck on his side; both Brock and Jake were not back from class yet. He tossed his bag near the door to his room. "Do you want to play a video game?"

Moving toward the television, he turned on the game console and grabbed the controllers. Jensen had sat on the dorm-issued couch and was looking as stiff and uncomfortable as the couch itself. He took the controller Jared offered him and to cover the awkwardness Jared flipped on whatever game was already loaded.

As they played, they both began to relax and soon they were pounding the buttons on the controllers, shouting at each other and knocking into one another as they tried to distract the other.

It felt like the old them; it easily could have been any day before everything fell apart. As he laughed at Jensen's attempt to out run his car on screen; Jared realized he missed this so much more than he ever thought. 

Brock and Jake were great friends, but they were never going to be able to replace Jensen. 

"You think you can beat me? Not gonna happen!" Punching harder at the buttons his car crossed the finish line ahead of Jensen's.

Jensen was pouting, but his eyes were alit with laughter. "That's crap. I demand a rematch."

"You got it—but I'm gonna crush you even harder this time around."

Sharing a grin, Jared started the game again and any lingering awkwardness between them disappeared altogether.

*** 

The next few weeks Jared and Jensen were inseparable. They met between classes, studied together, started meeting on weekends to run in the morning and play video games or watch movies in the afternoons. 

The change was slow, but there. Jared was feeling like things between he and Jensen were almost back to the way they were before Jensen left—before they ever started dating. 

Because Jensen spent the last year in New York most of his friends had graduated and moved on with their lives. Chris and Steve had moved out to LA to make a try in the music business; so Jensen didn't really have many friends to distract him from spending time with Jared. 

That's why he was surprised when Jensen suddenly was unreachable. Three days passed and the only contact Jared had with Jensen was few text messages relaying that he had a big paper due and he was spending all his time researching and writing. 

He flipped his phone shut, closing the latest text message from Jensen saying he had to finish his paper and wouldn't be able to hang out at all this weekend.

Katie raised an eyebrow. "What's up, Jay?"

He felt the scowl scrunching his face and he forced himself to smooth his features. "Jensen. He just texted me to say he can't hang out this weekend; he's got a big paper to write, but—he was being really vague."

Tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, she patted Jared's hand. "I'm sure it's nothing, sweetie. He has work to do, we've all been there—when we need to disappear for a few days to cram. I wouldn't worry too much."

"It just seems so weird that he can't even call. I guess I just got used to seeing him so much."

"Well maybe then it's a good thing to spend a few days apart."

Katie's words made sense and while he didn't stop wondering what Jensen had been up to throughout the weekend; he enjoyed being able to spend time with his friends and not have to juggle time between them and Jensen.

*** 

On Monday afternoon Jensen called sounding exhausted. 

"Jen, you sound—tired. You okay?"

There was a long pause that made Jared's stomach ache with nerves, but when Jensen spoke his voice sounded lighter. "Actually, I'm really good. I know I've been MIA for a few days. I thought you might want to hang out tonight?"

He was still slightly confused at Jensen's disappearing act the last few days, but was glad that Jensen seemed alright. "Sure, want to grab dinner?"

*** 

Dinner with Jensen was different; not bad different—actually good different. He was happy and it seemed like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. 

"So you got your paper turned in?"

A brief look of confusion crossed Jensen's face, but almost immediately it disappeared. "Yup, first thing this morning."

Something niggled at the back of his brain. He didn't want to push, but his mouth wasn't listening to his brain. "It must have been a pretty important paper if you worked on it all weekend."

Jensen's eyes slid down, flicking away. "It was important—uh I went home this weekend too. I was having writer's block; so I went home for a change of scenery."

That stopped Jared in his tracks; he really wasn't expecting Jensen to say he went home. "Oh—that's nice." He didn't really know what to say to that.

"I just needed to get out of here; it's no big deal."

"Whatever you needed to do. Let's just eat." 

***

Jensen was quieter over the next few days, but not distant. He seemed happier and somehow relieved, but it made Jared anxious. Whenever he asked about going home Jen brushed it off or changed the subject. He feel like Jensen was hiding something—like at any moment he would turn around and Jensen would be gone.

Jared had just parted paths from Brock and Genevieve as they headed back to the dorm and he walked on to met Jensen. Walking through campus, he passed several couples holding hands while walking together. It made him wonder if he and Jensen might ever be like that again. 

Up until now Jared had been very strict with himself about not letting his thoughts wander in that direction, but as he and Jensen rebuilt their friendship the thoughts about more started to resurface.

He knew Jensen hoped for that; he still remembered what Jensen told him the day he came back, but Jensen's mysteriousness this past week made him doubt his feelings.

He spotted Jensen from about fifty feet away, he was sitting on a ledge, feet dangling about a foot off the ground. He was only wearing an old t-shirt and jeans, but butterflies fluttered in his stomach as he got closer and anticipated the crinkling around Jensen's eyes when his smile lit up at finally noticing him. 

Just as Jared knew it would, when Jensen looked up a smile so bright spread across his face illuminating his whole face. The butterflies flapped wildly and Jared knew he was so very screwed. Staying just friends was the sensible thing to do, but right now sensible wasn't winning out at all.

***

"Jared, what are you up to tonight?"

Looking up from his textbook, he saw Jake coming through the door to their suite followed by Katie and Gen. "I don't know, I don't have any plans, what's up?"

"Gen's friend from the theater is having a party. We're all invited."

Closing his books over, he stuffed them in his bag; he wouldn't be getting anymore work done tonight. "Cool. I'm there." He paused, wondering if what he was about to ask was a good idea. "Can I invite Jensen?"

A look passed back and forth between his three friends, though none of them actually voiced the thought that they didn't really want Jensen invited along.

"Come on guys, I know you have a bad impression of him, but he's a really good guy when you get to know him. Most of his friends graduated last Spring, I'm really the only person he knows here anymore. It would be nice if you guys gave him a chance and got to know him." He pulled out the sad eyes that Megan called his puppy-dog look. "Please, for me?"

Katie rolled her eyes and slapped his arm. "Stop using the puppy eyes on us. Invite him, but you tell Brock he's coming."

Jared lit up, suddenly very excited for everyone to have the chance to get to know the real Jensen and not just the after effects his action left behind. He knew Brock would be the least pleased with Jensen coming along. He and Brock were the closest of their friends and he knew that Brock had been having trouble with the amount of time he and Jensen had spent together.

They never talked about it, but every time Jared mentioned Jensen he could see the way Brock closed up. He hoped tonight would change that. 

*** 

He could tell Jensen was nervous about meeting his friends. Ever since Jensen had mentioned going home last weekend without telling him; things had been a little strained. He hoped inviting Jensen to the party would help change that.

They were meeting his friends at the party rather than walking as a group together to give Jensen a few more minutes before being thrown to the firing squad. Just outside the house with the undercurrent of the bass vibrating through him, he stopped Jensen with a light hand on his shoulder. "I'm glad you came tonight."

"I'm glad you invited me."

The door opened and the pounding music spilled out along with a slightly drunk student. Jared pushed passed him with Jensen following and he started to scan the crowd for his friends.

It took a few moments, but further inside, away from the loud music, he saw Katie and then surrounding her, Jake, Brock and Genevieve. Taking a deep breath he pushed through the crowd and called out to them. "Hey guys! What are you doing hiding all the way back here?"

Genevieve smiled teasingly. "It's quieter back here and you know how sensitive Jake is to loud noises."

Jake rolled his eyes. "Oh fuck you, like you like having to scream over the music just to have a conversation."

Patting his arm soothingly, she smiled innocently at him. "It's alright, Grandpa, we don't mind standing back here away from the youngins' and their new fangled music."

A smile cracked through Jake's mock annoyance. "Okay, okay enough making fun of me."

When their banter fell silent, instead of conversation picking up again, an uncomfortable hush fell over the group—everyone's eyes trained on Jensen.

Clearing his throat he turned to introduce Jensen. "Jensen, you've met Jake and Brock before." They both nodded and gave Jensen brief smiles, but did nothing more to acknowledge him. "And these two ladies are Katie and Genevieve."

He could see the nervous waver in Jensen's smile as he turned to the girls to say hi. They were certainly warmer than Brock and Jake were, but they didn't really make much of an effort either. He knew they'd be cautious, but he also wanted them to give Jensen a chance. 

"So, Jen, this party's hosted by Genevieve's friends in the theater department. She's in this semester's musical; she's got an amazing voice. Next time Chris and Steve come through town to play, you should let us know. I bet Chris would love the chance to embarrass someone new by dragging her up on stage."

Throwing him a grateful smile, Jensen took Jared's offered conversation starter and ran with it; asking Gen about what music she liked and roles in plays she'd had. Pretty soon Katie joined their conversation and they didn't even need Jared there to fill in lulls in the conversation.

He drifted back, grabbing a drink, and watched Jensen talking animatedly with a genuine smile on his face.

A presence appeared at his side and out of the corner of his eye he saw Brock watching Jensen as well. 

"I know you've forgiven him for everything—I can see it in your face—even if you haven't admitted it to yourself yet."

Opening his mouth he attempted to protest, but he couldn't really deny that he had forgiven Jensen.

They continued to watch Jensen and their friends—Jake being drawn into their conversation now as well.

"I'm just warning you to be careful, Jare. I would never say I told you so, but he ran once when he thought he'd been outed and he went to see his family without telling you. You think he won't run again if his back is against the wall?"

Brock's words made it feel like he had a rubber band tightening around his chest. He'd pointed out exactly what had been running through Jared's head all week. "You don't have to worry about that. Maybe I've forgiven him, but we're not together. We're just friends and right now I have no intention of changing that."

Sipping from his cup, Brock lifted an eyebrow in an annoyingly knowing arch. "We'll see."

He left Jared standing there feeling utterly confused—his feelings for Jensen were a mish-mosh and Brock hadn't helped other than to make him feel annoyed at his roommate. He didn't want to think about this now; it was a party after all. He finished what was left in his cup and went for a refill.

*** 

Jensen stumbled and fell heavy against Jared's side. He was giggling in a way Jared hadn't heard in a long while. He was giggling too, but at what he had no idea. They were almost back at Jensen's apartment and both of them had more than a little too much to drink. Nearly face-planting on the concrete steps, their feet got tangled and they grabbed at each other. 

Jensen fumbled for his keys while leaning against the door to his building. "Do you want to come in? I've got water."

Jared's brain felt fuzzy. "Water?"

Jensen's grin was soft around the edges. "You know to drink. You should have some before heading home."

That made sense and he was pretty thirsty, so he followed Jensen into his little place. The apartment wasn't much more than a glorified studio; kitchenette, bathroom and living room squished together on one side and Jensen's bedroom around the corner of the L-shaped room, only cheap room-dividers separating his bed from the rest of the space.

Grabbing two bottles of water from the fridge, Jensen attempted to toss one at Jared. "I had fun tonight—though I think I drank way too much." He half-snorted, chuckling over something funny only to him.

"Well maybe next time you shouldn't pound beers like they’re water."

"Look who’s talking, douchebag. You're just as hammered as I am."

He swallowed the last mouthful of water from the bottle and ally-ooped it into the trashcan. "Not so drunk I couldn't make that shot."

Jensen stared at the trash can for a moment then his gaze swam back to Jared. "Show-off."

"Whatever, I should get going. I've got to walk to the edge of campus and catch the shuttle back to my dorm."

Jensen stepped closer, looking up at Jared through the thick fan of his lashes. "Yeah—unless you wanted to stay?"

His brain stuttered; Jensen's hand had slid onto his arm in a very obvious invitation—an invitation that Jared's brain didn't immediately reject. His breath hitched and his thoughts caught up to him. "I—um—really should get back. I've got studying to do in the morning."

Jensen fell away instantly, leaning against the counter like he hadn't just been trying to seduce him. "Right, sure. Well, then 'night."

His hand fluttered up, then fell to his side again. He could see Jensen was hurt, but he was so confused right now he couldn't begin to know how to fix it. Instead, he meet Jensen's stare and said, "I'll call you tomorrow, okay."

Jensen nodded and opened the door for him, saying goodbye before quickly shutting the door behind him.

*** 

Jared woke up the next morning and his first thoughts through the marching band pounding in his head were of Jensen. He felt like he'd been hit by a Mack truck, but still all he could think of was they way Jensen had looked at him as he left last night.

Even without the headache, his head hurt thinking about the situation he'd gotten himself into. Spending time with Jensen again made him realize how much he'd truly missed their friendship; he'd already decided to forgive Jensen. The problem was his brain kept telling him starting a relationship with Jensen again was a bad choice; his heart was telling him his head was wrong.

Stumbling into the common area of the suite he headed straight for the mini-fridge in the corner. Grabbing a bottle of water, he flopped on the couch next to Brock. Jake was flipping the channels on the remote between cartoons and Sportscenter.

"You look like hell."

He snapped the cap open on the bottle in his hands. "Thanks, you always look like sunshine and rainbows first thing in the morning too."

They were quiet, only the dull sound from the television in the background.

"You know you want to ask so just ask already."

Jake looked over cautiously. "So what happened last night?"

"Nothing. I walked home with him, we talked, he asked me to stay and I didn't."

Brock raised an eyebrow at that. "So what does that mean?"

Sighing heavily, he shrugged. "It means I couldn't stay with him last night. It also means, I realized I really wanted to." He waved a hand at his friends, stopping their questions. "I know it's a bad idea, but I also know I can't deny what I feel for him and after everything, I still want to be with him."

Both guys stiffened, neither really agreeing with his decision. 

Finally, Brock broke the quiet. "Look, you know we think this is a mistake, but we can't know how you feel either. Just know you're our friend no matter what."

Relief flooded through Jared; it wasn't permission or a blessing, but it was enough to know that if Jared was making the wrong choice his friends would be there for him.

*** 

After showering and eating something, he told the guys he was going to walk. He meant only to walk the loop around his dorm and the other buildings in its cluster to clear his head, but as his thoughts drifted to Jensen his feet took him closer and closer to the edge of campus until he was crossing the street toward Jensen's apartment. 

He found himself standing in front of Jensen's building ringing his bell before it truly registered where he was. Jensen's voice, crackled through the static-y intercom. "Who's there?"

He took a deep breath and pressed the button to reply. "It's Jared."

There was a long pause and Jared stepped back to see if he could see Jensen through his window, but then there was a loud buzzing and the lock on the door released.

Jensen was waiting with his door open, looking a little more worse for wear. He stood by the door, fidgeting, waiting to see if Jensen would invite him in or leave him in the hall.

Jensen stepped back allowing him entrance; relieved, Jared followed him into the apartment. Jensen's apartment was cool, but Jared's shirt stuck to his back as he sweated, tense and jumpy.

Hesitantly, Jensen sat on one end of his couch and offered Jared the spot on the other end.

They both started to speak at once—and both chuckled when they tried to talk over each other.

Jared gestured for Jensen to go first.

"I'm sorry for last night. I know you said you only wanted to be friends. I could blame it on the alcohol and let it drop, but it wasn't just the alcohol. I didn't want to pressure you, but we haven't really talked about what I said that first day we talked. You may not want to hear this, but I came back because I'm in love with you."

His heart jumped in his chest; hearing Jensen say those words flustered him and awakened the hidden anger he'd buried. "You can't just say that to me. Things have been so good without throwing love into the mix. I don't want to risk messing that up. I couldn't take it if you took off again just because you were outed to your family."

Surprise spread across Jensen’s face. "I wouldn't do that, Jared. I wouldn't have come back if I was just going to run again."

Distressed, he ran a hand through his hair. "What happened last weekend? You went home last weekend and didn't say a word until after you came home. Did you not want me to know because you didn't want me to ask to come to? Didn't want to risk me being around them?"

Jensen's eyes widened. "No!" Jensen reached out and grabbed at Jared's arm. "No, Jare, it wasn't like that at all. Yes—I didn't go home to work on a paper, but I wasn't trying to hide anything bad." 

Pausing, Jensen stood, paced away and stared out the window for a moment before walking back and sitting closer to Jared. "I went home to tell my parents about me. Jared, I told my parents I was gay. I told them everything, including how much I'm in love with you. I told them I didn't care what they thought; I wasn't going to hide anymore."

The shock Jared felt couldn't even be put into words. Jensen told his parents? For him? "Holy shit, Jen. What did they say?"

He had a strange look on his face as he shook his head. "You're seriously not gonna believe me when I tell you. I didn't believe it. They knew—they knew about me, at least. They didn't know about anything between us, but they weren't surprised."

For the second time that afternoon, Jared was at a loss for words. "What—wait— _what_?"

"Believe me I know how you're feeling 'cause I was sitting in your place a week ago. But my parents said they'd suspected about me for a while, and they said it made them rethink the influence their old church had on them. They assumed my going to New York had something to do with it. They didn't want to push me into telling them until I was ready, but they've been going to a different church—a more tolerant church—and talking with the pastor there, waiting for me to come to them."

His mouth opened and closed; he just couldn't wrap his mind around it.

Jensen got up and came back with two glasses of water, handing one to Jared. "My dad still has a lot of issues, but he's trying really hard. When I told him about us and what happened with Josh, they were upset. They didn't realize how much their opinions had rubbed off on Josh. And they couldn't believe that I was that scared of them that I'd run like that."

Finishing off his water in a few short gulps, he set the glass on the small table to his left. "Jen, I know I should have something to say here, but really I've got nothing. I kind of can't believe it was that easy." 

The smile faded from his face and it took on an air of seriousness. "It's only that easy if you think you could have feelings for me again."

He met Jensen's gaze, and saw the hope in his eyes. This was it; do or die. "Jen, it was never a question of whether I could feel that way again. It was if I could trust you again."

He saw Jensen's body hitch as he inhaled sharply.

Shifting closer, he said. "I think you've more than proved yourself." Closing the distance between he pressed his lips to Jensen's. He hadn't kissed Jensen in over a year, but it felt like only yesterday. His lips were soft against Jared's, and his breath ghosted warm over his mouth. 

He let his hand drift up to settle against the back of Jensen's neck tugging him in tighter. Jensen's lips parted on a sigh and Jared slipped his tongue in. 

The weight of Jensen's hand sliding up under his t-shirt and resting on the small of his back awoke a heat in him he hadn't felt in over a year. He was sweating again, but not from nerves. He wanted to touch Jensen—strip him down and reacquaint himself with every inch of Jensen's pale freckled skin.

Jensen broke their kiss—their foreheads pressed together and both of them panting for breath. "My bed, I need—I want."

Jared cut him off with a kiss, mumbling into his mouth. "Me too."

They fumbled over to Jensen's bed, trying to strip out of their clothes while also trying not to lift their hands from one another. They nearly knocked over the room divider when Jared tried to remove Jensen's shirt without breaking their kiss. 

Jensen's bed was a mess, comforter sliding on to the floor, but Jared didn't care. He pushed Jensen back, taking in the sight of him lying against dark sheets dressed only in boxer shorts—his dick hard and tenting the cotton. "God, you're beautiful."

Looking up from under hooded lids, Jensen's eyes blazed with lust. "You should talk." Pushing up onto one elbow, he grabbed at the waist of Jared's boxer briefs and tugged. He didn't really use enough force to make Jared go anywhere, but he fell forward anyway. Pressing Jensen's body into the soft mattress, he felt the heat of Jensen's skin along the entire length of his body. 

His cock ached and he thought he might actually be able to come just from the intensity of feeling Jensen's body pressed under him.

His fingertips roamed Jensen's body, touching the tender flesh in the crease of his elbow, then down to the flaming skin pulled taut just below his navel. 

Their kissing grew frantic and they both pushed madly at the last pieces of cloth keeping their cocks from touching. Jared moaned loudly when he touched the heated, hardened flesh of Jensen's dick. 

His fingers twisted in the sheets as they kissed, thrusting wildly against each other. There was no time for finesse, no chance for savoring this first time. Jared sucked on Jensen's tongue and rode the crease of his hip until he felt like his body was too small for his skin and he burst, spilling come all over Jensen's belly. 

Jensen whimpered and called out, "Jared, fuck, Jared," then came spurting between them.

They panted into each other's mouths. They were sticky, but Jared didn't care—he spread himself over Jensen's body, wrapping around him, not wanting to ever let him get away again. Just before he drifted off to sleep, he heard Jensen whisper a hitched break in his voice. "Never gonna leave you again."

*** 

Waking up pressed tight to Jensen's bed-warm body was better than Jared could ever have imagined, even with the dried come gluing them together. They shifted in their sleep and wound up on their sides, limbs tangled together. Blinking his eyes open, Jared realized Jensen was awake and staring at him.

An tender smile spread across his face. "What are you looking at?"

Jensen's eyes softened, his voice raw. "I just can't believe I got you back. I would have taken you anyway I could get you, but I hoped—I hoped for this."

Jared traced the tip of his index finger over Jensen's cheekbone. "Well you've got me now and you can't get rid of me."

"Good, because I'm not letting you go ever again. Now get off me, you giant, I need a shower." Jensen shoved him back and climbed from his bed. Looking back with a sly grin on his face, he asked. "You coming?"

Grinning uncontrollably, Jared hopped up and chased Jensen all the way to the shower.

*** 

When Jared finally returned to his dorm late that evening Brock was leisurely sprawled on the couch watching television.

"Where is everyone?"

His gaze was penetrating and Jared felt like he could see exactly what Jared had been up to all afternoon written all over his face.

"They went on a run to the convenience store for popcorn and drinks. You got back just in time; we're going to watch a movie."

Dropping into the chair, Jared stared at whatever Brock had on the TV. "So, Jensen and I are together now."

Lowering the volume, Brock turned away from the TV to face Jared. "I can tell."

A warm blush, colored his cheeks. "I know you're worried about me, but you don't have to. Jensen's not leaving. He's not running. The reason he went home last weekend was to come out to his parents and tell them about me. It won't be like last time."

Leaning back in his annoyingly casual way, he smiled in a way that Jared didn't know if he was happy for him or thinking Jared was fooling himself. "That's good, Jare. I've only ever wanted you to be happy, ya know?"

"I know."

"I don't know if Jensen and I'll ever be best buddies, but I'm happy for you."

"I know that too."

"Just don't spend all your time with him. We want to see you occasionally."

"Point taken."

Brock turned the volume up again, flipping the channels.

Jared gaze fell on the pile of DVDs on the table. "So what movie are we watching?" 

*** 

_6 Months Later_

Jensen's graduation was excruciatingly long under the sweltering sun. Jared almost wished he had snuck back to the dorm and stayed in the sanctity of the air conditioning, but he couldn't not see Jensen graduate.

He sat in the student section of the stands, never letting his eyes leave Jensen—looking incredibly gorgeous even in a frumpy gown and silly cap. He fantasized about Jensen wearing that gown and nothing else. Lost in his fantasy, the ceremony seemed to speed by and before he knew it, it was over. He took a moment to breathe, calming himself before he started weaving his way through all of the parents, children and faculty. Luckily, he spotted Jensen on the far side of the field and it took several minutes to make his way to him.

Jared threw his arms around Jensen the moment he was close enough, hugging him tight. "Congratulations! You did it."

Jensen squeezed him back, his face pressed into Jared's neck. "Wouldn't have done it without you."

They were interrupted by several throats clearing. They separated, but only by inches, their fingers staying intertwined between them to find Jensen's parents standing behind them slightly uncomfortable, but smiling with pride.

They took turns congratulating Jensen, never once looking at Jared like he didn't belong. Finally, Mr. Ackles broke up the hugging, herding them toward the parking lot. "Come on, let's go to dinner. We've got plenty of celebrating to do."

Jared ducked down, whispering into Jensen's ear. "He's right, you know? There's so much we have to celebrate today. Let's get going." 

Jensen took Jared's hand again, discreetly dropping a quick kiss to his cheek and followed his family. Things weren't perfect; they had their ups and downs like any couple. Jared had to balance his time with Jensen and his friends, and even though everyone, including Brock, had warmed up more than he could have hoped to Jensen—Jensen still often felt like an outsider with his friends. 

As much as the Ackles' were trying to be accepting of their son and his lifestyle; they were not quite as comfortable with he and Jensen being affectionate in public as they wished they could be.

Josh hadn't come around at all and had refused to come to Jensen's graduation. 

Jensen was graduating and while he'd found a great job here in Austin; it would be different. Jared would be in class during the day and Jensen would be working nine to five, sometimes with overtime and weekends. 

None of it mattered though because they had each other and they'd proven that neither of them was going to run out of this relationship when things got difficult. 

They walked side by side and Jared squeezed his fingers tight in Jensen's, knowing that nothing could ever tear them apart again.

 

Fin

**Author's Note:**

> Artist Credit: ewlyn
> 
> I would like to thank , and the for running the comm. It's one of my most favorite things in fandom to participate in.
> 
> Thank you to for doing the wonderfully amazing art she did for this fic, especially as a pinch hitter. Go comment [here](http://community.livejournal.com/6magic_bitch/9787.html#cutid1) and tell her how awesome she is. Not only because she did beautiful art, but because as she read my fic she fixed typos and grammatical errors. ETA: added a second piece of art, Jensen in his life guard gear and OMG it is amazing. If you haven't seen it check it out at her art post and comment telling her how awesome it is.
> 
> And lastly to , for the third year in a row she's read through my fic catching the last few typos and just generally cheering me on.


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